Illumination
by Nilahxapiel
Summary: It’s hard to be chained to a mass murderer, especially when you’re in love with him.


Title: **_Illumination_**

Rating: T

Categories: Angst/Romance

Pairing: LxRaito

Warning: Homosexual feeling and intentions, mostly one-sided love and Character Death.

Summary: 

It's hard to be chained to a mass murder, especially when you're in love with him.

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_There are two kinds of light - the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures._ James Thurber

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You're never that far away from me.

Physically.

It's the chains fault, really. But then, the chain is my fault, so I suppose I am to blame for all of this. It is my fault for feeling this way, because it never would have happened without our constant proximity.

But then, if you hadn't gone and tried to be a _God _I wouldn't of had to do this, would I? So then, in the beginning, because of your ambition for godliness, we end up here. _I _end up here. Because you're not here with me -oh, you're still just a few feet away, but only in a bodily sense.

Your gaze, however, is always far away, thinking about something else. Always thinking about something else -perhaps the Kira case (I don't think you even know you're _him_ at the moment), perhaps your father, perhaps the stain on your pants that Matsuda so clumsily caused when he spilled the tea on you. You've always hated messes, and it must kill you to sit with such an atrocity on your lap until Watari brings you a change of clothes from the room we share.

I could have allowed you to go change yourself, but then I'd have to get up as well. And I can't do that, because not only is the time precious for catching this new business oriented Kira, but it would also be too easy. It would show you that I'd actually _do _something for you, even something so menial, which cannot happen.

Such an action would be the gateway for allowing you more than four hours of sleep a night, more than one five minute break during the day, and onto more unacceptable things. Like, perhaps, opening the door for you, ordering your favorite food, allowing you a walk outside for fresh air. Eventually, I would get used to your gratitude (for the thankful look on your face would surely be addicting) and I would then need to do more for you, to get that look.

So I get Watari to bring you a change, and then I shall allow you to change pants in front of me -not because I am a 'pervert' as Amane-san so eloquently put it - but because, really, who knows what you could be hiding in your pants? The killing device even!

Sometimes even I think I lie too much.

And so, you are thinking about something, while reading over the case files and twirling your pen through your fingers. Perhaps you are thinking about how much you dislike me for not allowing you to go change in the room we share. Maybe your just thinking about _me._

Somehow I think the tea stain is a more likely candidate.

Because you are no longer Kira, and therefore I am not your enemy. We are not friends, no, we both knew that was a lie even as it escaped our mendacious lips. We are nothing more than friends, no matter what I may want, because you do not feel that for me, and I am not about to induce those emotions with a confession or a kiss.

Not your nemesis, not your friend, not your lover…when you're not Kira, what in the world _am_ I?

I rue the day I began defining myself by what relationship I have with Raito Yagami. Although that exact date escapes me, which cold facts and numbers rarely do.

It is true that I want you to be Kira. I will not lie on that front. But not to be right, or because I dislike you and want you to die. Although that is what runs through everyone's heads whenever I state my willingness for you to be Kira. But that's not why, despite their delusions -or yours, for that matter.

It's because, when you're Kira, I mean something to you.

I'm your most loathed obstacle, a barrier standing in the way of your utopia, the snake in your Eden, the golden gates in front of your perfect little idealized heaven, keeping you from the beautiful paradise.

But when you're _not _Kira…when you are just Raito Yagami…you treat me as you would treat any other person. Polite, kind, honest, _innocent…_

I am no longer L, but Ryuuzaki…just some man that you are chained to. That is not enough for me, it never will be, and I suppose this is the reason why I want you to be Kira. I know you are, I am never wrong, but can I prove it? And if you are, I will execute you. I will have to. If I don't execute you then these feelings growing inside me like a cancer will continue to spread until I am overcome by it.

You know, Raito-kun, it's hard to be chained to a mass murder, especially when you're in love with him.

Just your presence in this world makes me susceptible to the illness known as love.

For what could it be if not an illness? Not an emotion, surely. Emotions are predictable, a matter of human brain function and prefrontal cortex growth. Emotions are not all encompassing, they do not sew themselves into your bones, your mind, your very being until they become a permanent part of you, like a scar that is so old it is mistaken for a birthmark.

No, no, love is definitely a sickness. I have been nauseous many times, thinking about you, my stomach clenching and turning inside me in the most unnatural way. I have become hot and sweaty if you come too near. Sometimes I become incoherent, as if my mind were enveloped in feverish fog, and must shove my thumb in my mouth to prevent myself from saying something stupid.

I don't say stupid things. But sometimes my mouth goes to move of my own accord, and I must bite down on my thumb, a pieces of cake -_something -_to stop myself from telling you something I shouldn't.

I haven't figured out what, exactly, I'm going to say yet. I've caught myself before you even notice something amiss.

You really do want to catch Kira, don't you, Raito-kun? I find your determination endearing, and sometimes I tell you something. You scowl and flush and tell me to shut up and stop joking about things like that. You've never figured out that I'm not joking.

I take risks like that because I know you wont believe it either way.

I like making you mad. That's something I do like about you, Raito-kun, that Kira cannot satisfy. When you are Kira, you control your anger, because you feel it will raise the percentage. Make no mistake; it will. But when you're not Kira, you don't really seem to care at all. You glare to my face and punch me with all your might, you're face blushes with anger and passion…

It intrigues me. Your disheveled hair after a fight and heavy breathing…make me want to see the reaction again, and again and again.

So I get Watari to bring you the clothes, because I know it will annoy you.

And you're eyes (when you're not Kira) flash with rage when I do something like that.

Sometimes I go too far. I do not know what 'too far' is until you smash your fist into my face. I don't always deserve it, though. I'm just stating the truth, the facts, my opinion. Even if that opinion is 'You are Kira, or at least _were _Kira, without a doubt'. It upsets you when I say that, and when you are upset, I find myself growing equally distressed, as though it were I myself being suspected of mass murder.

But then I remember that you have to be Kira, because if you're not, I'll most definitely be doomed to live a life of love. Love that will not be returned by you, you who would rather think of the stain on your pants than the man sitting next to you.

You go too far as well. I do not know what 'too far' is until several seconds pass and my heart seems to seize inside my chest. It's such a fickle organ, and so romanticized. I don't blame Kira, sometimes, for wanting to destroy such a thing. It skips a beat when you lean over my shoulder to see my computer screen and accidentally exhale a hot breath on my neck. It speeds up whenever you say 'I hate you!' so crudely.

I feel that 'I hate you' is many times more harsh than my decisive percentages on your innocence.

You've said it quite a few times, when we argue. You always calm down and apologize, and I always accept… but you never correct your self. You never take it back.

Which is alright, because you _do _hate me.

And it really is better if you hate me, because if you don't, I'll probably fall in love with you.

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There will be a sequel to this called _Obscurity. _Wich is Raito's POV. I've never written from one of their POV's before (it's just weird to do that in Fan Fiction) but I really wanted to try. 

Do me a favor and tell me how it all turned out? -begs -

Review, please!

Nilah


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